You’re rushing around frantically, cleaning for Shabbos, preparing for Sheva Brachos or getting the kids to bed. Ahh, finally, your husband is home. He lets himself in, and collapses on the couch.
And he sits. You mop up the splattered tomato sauce. And he sits. You shove errant Legos into containers. And he sits. You narrowly prevent your six year old’s finger from digging into the chocolate caramel fondant. And he sits. And finally, you do what any self-respecting, card carrying wife would do. You explode in frustration and say: “How can you just sit there when I’m running around like a lunatic? Get off the couch and help!”
And he deserves it, right? (I see those hands raised, ladies, you can put them down now). Let’s take a few steps back, now, and take a tour of your thoughts, shall we? Because I’m pretty sure I heard them do something like this:
- How could he be sitting there obliviously on the couch?
- He shouldn’t be sitting there doing nothing when I’m so clearly desperate for help!
- He should realize on his own and offer his assistance!
So before we serve as judge and jury on our poor confused husband, I’d like to introduce some food for thought – about your thoughts. Here’s a rule for life: Whenever you find yourself thinking a person “should” or “shouldn’t,” that’s a signal for you to stop and pull back.
Why? Because those words are eminently unhelpful. Firstly, because he IS or DID, so clearly, on some level, it’s kind of futile to protest reality, isn’t it? Since you can’t actually control another person, investing a lot of energy in how he should be behaving differently is not going to be very productive.
Secondly, says who? Certainly according to your upbringing, personality, and particular logic, he should be behaving a certain way. But since he is not, could it be that he has (gasp) a different perspective (conscious or unconscious) than you do?
Finally, what motivations are you ascribing to his actions? That he is lazy? Inconsiderate? Just plain mean spirited? Can you be open to the possibility that he has an entirely different set of thought processes, logic, and expectations – or perhaps none at all?
He could be thinking “What a stressful, exhausting day I had. I sure do need a rest.” Or “ I’ll be ready in another few minutes, and then I’ll offer to help. Or, “Looks like my wife has everything under control. I’m sure if she needs my help she’ll ask me for it.” Or – perhaps most likely of all – he is simply thinking… nothing. Yes, my dear fellow females – it’s really true. Many men are actually entirely oblivious to the chaos, mess, or noise around them. It’s not a character flaw. It’s just a matter of his brain being wired…differently. And that’s OK.
Now I’m sure you haven’t forgotten why we’re here. And that is to get to our original goal, namely: getting him off the couch and into the kitchen. But truthfully, we’re already halfway there. Because when you take away the “should,” you’ve changed everything: your perspective, your emotions, and most importantly, your body language and tone of voice. (‘Cuz no matter how much you try to hide it, he already recognizes That Tone. And you may have noticed it doesn’t actually accomplish what you really want in the long run.)
What comes next? Well, how about if you actually… Say what you want? (earth-shattering, I know). Something like, “Shloimy, I’m a bit overwhelmed here. Would you please hold the baby so I can finish straightening up over here?” And after he does it? How about “Thanks! That made me so happy. I was able to get things done so much more quickly.”
** What’s that you say? You want him to offer help BEFORE you ask for it? Well, there’s no guarantee of that, nor is it necessary. After all, you already know how to get to your end result – by asking him, remember? **
What magic have you created by getting rid of the “should”? I’d love to hear about it!
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