How to step off the hamster wheel and live life as it is.
It seems that wherever we look, we find people who have more than us. Especially if we ask our children. It’s tough raising them in today’s indulgent climate where everyone seems to have the latest of everything, and if we don’t give our children the same, we run the risk of having them marginalized, ostracized, or simply regarded as “less then.” This might differ from community to community, and you might be reading this and offering a prayer of gratitude that you don’t feel the kind of pressure described. But I think to an extent the scourge of excess affects all of us, wherever we may be. And it’s only growing more intense.
Is it possible to raise children who are satisfied with less, or do we forever have to stay on top of the trends, to throw extravagance upon extravagance their way just for the sake of filling the insatiable stomach of peer pressure?
Here are some tips to help you begin that journey. Of course, the differences between communities, between families, and even between different children in the same family, ensures that no one idea is going to resonate with or be effective for everyone. But I do hope you can find at least one that works for you!
It starts with us.
So often, this is a chinuch issue. How can we keep up with the peer pressure our children feel? Why have their standards risen so dramatically since we were children? Why does every child need a $200 knapsack and $800 coat, to the point that if we say no, we are accused of destroying their social prospects? Why are they constantly looking at what everyone else has, and letting us know that everyone they know gets more?
If we were truly honest with ourselves, though, we might discover that it’s not only a problem among our children. Are we satisfied with less, or do we also need to make the fashion statement, the simchah statement, the luxury statement that will impress? Are we content with our home, our lifestyle, our expenditures, or are we constantly looking over our shoulders? If we want to imbue our children with a sense of contentment, we need to start with ourselves and set that tone in our home. We have to stop rhapsodizing about the magnificent Goldberg wedding and kvetching about how hard it is to function in our small kitchen. When our children see our inner contentment, when they hear us talking about how grateful we feel for our car, our home, our family, and everything we have, it rubs off on them. It’s not foolproof; they’re still children and they’ll always want “things,” but it always must be the first step. Anything else we try will fall flat if we are not modeling the behaviors and attitudes we want to see.
Help them feel special.
Children will inevitably look around and notice what everyone else has that they are lacking. They need to feel like they have something special too, but that thing doesn’t have to break the bank; it doesn’t even have to be a “thing.” You may not take them to Cancun every midwinter vacation, but you have the most epic family ice cream parties every motzei Shabbos Mevorchim. Your family might have the oldest model car on the block, but your kids have a blast coloring all over the windows with window markers. (Not recommended if you have teens or even preteens! They will be mortified and refuse to drive around in it.) Find ways, use your creativity to bring joy and excitement into your home in ways that are unique and not bank breaking. One of the prevalent attitudes we have to suffocate, both in ourselves and our children, is that anything worthwhile can be bought. “The greatest things in life aren’t things,” as the quote goes. The more family traditions, quirks and excitements you can incorporate, the more you empower your children to feel proud of who they are and where they come from, without the external trappings that seem to define so many nowadays.
Choose your no’s.
When we give our children everything they want, we are raising them to be spoiled and entitled. When we give them nothing they want, we are raising them to feel resentful and deprived. Balance is the key. When you see something is desperately important to them, find a way to get it for them. If you have said no to the past seven requests, consider saying yes to this one. Sometimes it’s about the money, but mostly it’s about the principle of the matter, as in, “I can pay $40 for that pair of slippers, but why in the world would I when I can get you cozy slippers for $9.99?” Pick and choose your battles, at times teaching them to stand strong against the pressure to have what everyone else does, and at times graciously allowing them to be part of that everyone else.
Either way, your yeses and no’s must share one common denominator: they must be loving. A no shouldn’t come with a rant or a diatribe, it comes with a firm, but loving, “I’m sorry, sweetheart/sheifelah/sugarmuffinpie, but this isn’t the right thing for you right now.” And a yes shouldn’t come with a huff and a puff a guilt trip ala, “Fine, since you drove me so crazy,” but rather in a sweet, gift wrapped package (literal or figurative) and an even sweeter, “I’m giving this to you because…” (Because you earned it, because I love you, because I want you to have it. Not necessarily because everyone has it or because without it you are incomplete.)
Noticing Those Who Have Less
Our children often focus on those who have more than them, but we can work on pivoting that focus to those who have less. We don’t want to necessarily point out people they know and invoke pity, but in a more general sense, and with an attitude of giving.
Giving to those less fortunate helps them keep their own gifts front and center in their minds. When you make a trip to your local homeless encampment with hot food and warm blankets, it makes it hard to complain that you have to share a large, cozy room with your sister once you get back home. Selecting from their stash of unopened toys to donate to the gift drive for sick children reminds them once again of how much they have.
I once did a fun activity with my children when they were very young and we were starting to feel cramped in our small apartment. As home buying was not yet on the horizon, I tried to help them feel grateful for their surroundings by reminding them of how much worse it could be. I took a large grocery box and had all three climb in. We then spent an hour or two going about our daily lives in that box. We ate breakfast, davened, played, cleaned, took naps etc. When they climbed out, suddenly our cozy quarters had become unbelievably spacious. Like the story of the man whose rabbi instructed him to bring all of the farm animals, one by one, into his home, when he complained that his home was too small. It was a fun activity that brought the point home, at least for a few days. But even once the initial impact wore off, we referred to the memory, and it helped. Obviously, this won’t work for everyone, especially the older demographics where the pressures intensify, but perhaps you can find your own creative way to show your children how much worse things could be. You have to do this with caution, though. We don’t want to invalidate their feelings and guilt them into being happy with what they have. If they feel inferior and discontented, we should be sure to empathize and validate. Know your children, what will resonate and what will turn them off. And perhaps, see below about the flip side of this.
Focus on what we do have.
Our children are so often focused on what everyone else has, they forget all about the beauty in their own lives. We can help them zoom in on this by creating an atmosphere of gratitude and appreciation in our home.
Keeping a “Thank you Hashem” journal, either a communal family one or individual one for each child, helps them remember everything they have to be grateful for.
Noticing and commenting on all the things that we have will sink in. “This window seat is such a delicious way to watch the rain. Thank you Hashem for this window seat!” I once got fed up with all of the toy catalogs that came to the house before one of those busy toy-buying seasons. The children went through those catalogs, practically salivating, circling everything they wish they had and hoped to wheedle their way into getting. I handed them a Sharpie marker and challenged them to instead circle everything we already have. It was a fun activity and they were actually surprised that we had so many of the toys pictured. Again, this might not work for your children, but the underlying point is to keep the atmosphere in our home positive and joyful. Fewer holes to be filled with “things” leads to happier parents, happier children and a wholesome and healthy atmosphere.
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