Are you overwhelmed? It’s not just you (You’re doing better than you think!) These practical tips are useful for women with ADHD and all the rest of us too.
Editor’s Note: Recently, we received an email from a reader, “May I suggest a topic? I would love to see a post on women with ADHD. How they manage, the struggles, how open they are about it…I don’t know if you take suggestions but I figured I would try. I really (silently) struggle with this and I would love some community support! I looked online and researched tons, but ADHD affects frum lifestyle in such a different way its not the same. I am sure this is a real issue for a lot of women.”
And the answer to this reader was: Of course we love suggestions! We reached out to Executive Functioning Coach Nechama Fried for some guidance and advice.
“Wow, that was overwhelming!”
“I need a vacation so badly!”
Which comments did you hear last month after 3 sets of 3 day Yomim Tovim? We hardworking women feel a real need for validation after working so hard. A relative of mine joked that she’s about to open a new Gemach: “Free Validation Gemach for Women.”
Until this gemach is up and running, I’ll begin with some validation: Living as a frum woman in 2024 is beautiful, but very overwhelming. Our daily responsibilities are endless, and we live in a generation replete with stress and anxiety. Even the most “capable” among us are often surviving vs. thriving.
**The Unique Struggles of Women with ADHD**
Living with ADHD can be challenging for anyone, but for the frum woman, these challenges are often magnified by societal expectations, personal pressures, and the complex balancing act of managing a home, work, and family responsibilities. If you’re a woman with ADHD and struggling to keep things organized or feel overwhelmed by the constant demands, it’s important to know you’re not alone—and you’re not failing.
**ADHD is a Challenge & You’re Doing Your Best**
ADHD is a neurological condition, not a sign of laziness or incompetence. Struggling to manage responsibilities isn’t a reflection of your worth or ability. You are working hard—perhaps even harder than most—just to keep up with the demands of daily life. And that is something to be proud of.
Most women with ADHD are highly intelligent and capable, but the symptoms – which can include difficulty focusing, lack of organization, and difficulty with planning and prioritizing (among others)—can impact daily life in dozens of ways. Women are often expected to juggle multiple roles at once, and when ADHD is thrown into the mix, it can feel like a never-ending struggle for her, for her spouse, and her family.
Does this ever happen to you? (Happens to me sometimes!)
- I went into a room to get something and I can’t remember why… (third time for the day! )
- I forgot (again!) to send in the permission slip for the trip!
Or, a comment from a child:
- “Mommy, I was the only kid in the class that was not wearing a white shirt for Rosh Chodesh” (something tells me that she was not the only one!)
When these scenarios occur, we are able to utilize the positive self-talk that we teach our children (“It’s ok, let’s move on with our day!”) However, when failures become a recurring phenomenon, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, and develop a “learned helplessness.” (I can’t manage my life anyways, so I may as well give up!)
**Practical Interventions: Our Triple A Roadside Assistance**
I may be dating myself, but growing up before the era of smartphones, many families purchased an “AAA membership” to be covered when traveling. Let’s introduce Executive Function Pro’s “Triple-A Assistance Package:”
Tip #1: Acronyms: Acronyms are a research-based strategy to assist with our working memory. (Working memory is a type of short-term memory that stores information temporarily during the completion of cognitive tasks.)
Let’s say Chanie is running into Seasons for 3 items and doesn’t have a pen and paper on her. First she lists the items she needs, and then repeats them to see if she can create a hint using the first letter of each word.
For example: I need tomatoes, lettuce, and carrots, let me repeat those 3 words, see if I can place in an order and reverse if needed, and bingo I got my hint!
“I need TLC!” (TLC=tomatoes, lettuce, carrots!)
Tip #2 is Accountability: It’s so much easier to work on a goal with a partner. Find a friend/relative/spouse who understands you, and you can either share your goal via text or voice note, or actually work on the goal together.
For example: Sari & Leora are good friends who are both stay-at-home mothers. They plan to walk at 11:00 am daily in their development but want to work on their housework first. At 10:00 am they text each other: “We have one hour to clean our kitchens and prepare supper. Get ready, set, go!” They set their timers, put on their music, and then share their successes during their walk.
Tip #3: Activity & Adrenaline (ready-to-go strategies):
My clients with ADHD relate that they don’t appreciate the fancy templates and computerized lists. They appreciate spontaneity & doing things when they’re “in the mood.” (“Let me jump into it, without overthinking it!”) Simplified, ready-to-go strategies will do the trick.
Let’s picture Leah standing amidst her sticky kitchen at 10:00 pm. She knows that she has 10-15 minutes of stamina before collapsing on her couch. She chooses to use her “Quick clean hack” (an index card with the title “Quick Clean” with three tasks sequenced below: clear counters, sweep floor, wipe down table.) The clarity of the expectations, combined with the visuals, assists Leah in initiating the task of cleaning up. In the morning, Leah’s husband and kids are so grateful for the semblance of clean that ushers in a new morning.
**Small Wins Matter: Prioritize Progress over Perfection”**
When you live with ADHD, it can be easy to get caught up in what you haven’t accomplished, rather than what you’ve already done. Try to celebrate the small wins, whether it’s remembering to make an appointment or organizing a small space in your home. Acknowledge the effort you’ve put in, even if the results don’t always meet your expectations. Remember, self-compassion and positive self-talk are key. Women often place a lot of pressure on themselves to be perfect in every area of life.
Let’s explore for a moment the concept of avoiding perfectionism in the next two images:
So, to all the incredible women with (or without) ADHD out there — remember this: You are doing your best, and that’s amazing! Your worth is not tied to how well you manage every detail of your life. You are strong, capable, and deserving of compassion, both from others and from yourself.
Feel free to email execfunctionpro@gmail.com with questions, comments, and for free executive function resources for the frum woman!
We’re all in this together!
With admiration for all the hardworking women out there.
(Disclaimer: This article is intended to give practical advice and suggestions. For all specific questions related to diagnosing and treating ADHD, it is recommended to reach out to a medical and or mental health professional.)
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